If you love them...

I would say over the past year I have come to understand what the saying “if you love something/someone let it/them go, and if it is meant to be it will be” means. I feel like this was one of the hardest lessons for me to learn in my life. Over the past year, I have built and re-established connections with individuals who appeared to recognize the connection that we shared as a unique one. On my end — when I feel this way (this was with one person in particular), I want to be vulnerable with this person, build with this person….I want to do all of the things. I get tunnel vision so to speak, but I will admit, with the immense feelings for this person, I did not care lol.

This is how I got my feelings hurt — real bad. I put my heart on the line, and put everything out there to the individual with the hopes that things would be reciprocated in the sense that we would begin to work/build toward something more serious. The other party did not choose to move in that direction with me. Although it was painful, the situation revealed what I needed to see. I did not want to move on from that person because of the feelings I held, but I did. I made the decision that I would not settle for less than what I deserved in this situation, and I would rather lose/separate from this person. This allowed me to see that although I loved and still love this person, I was willing to let them go rather than damage the love that I possess for them…I am willing to test the above-mentioned saying.

Love Actually

Love is:

• A choice

• Asking the why’s to better learn/understand your partner

• Being supportive

• Defending your partner even when they are not present/Integrity

• Transparent and honest

• A willingness to have the tough conversations

• A bond that is not easily broken

The few characteristics that I have listed above are some of the characteristics that let me know that someone loves me. I am a firm believer that love is a choice, and it is accompanied by certain feelings and emotions. If someone tells me that they love me, I should be able to recognize some of the characteristics that exemplify and define love, If those characteristics are absent, then so is love.

I am aware that we all learn varying versions and/or definitions of love based on what we saw growing up, but there has to be a point we come to (more than likely as an adult) when we determine if what we learned growing up was correct; and if it was not, are we willing to change our minds and adapt to be a better partner? Remaining open to improvement is a characteristic of love in my eyes….and if you are not aware of how to love your partner, are you willing to ask, absorb, and apply what they share with you?

I think that people do not say “I love you” enough, and I also think people misuse the sentiment. On one hand, those who are near and dear to us, we often do not tell them enough that we love them. On the other hand, some people use the term too loosely. Saying that you love someone carries a certain weight, so saying it without display of the characteristics (or displaying actions contrary to those of love) would be a lie. For example, how could someone tell you they love you but be closed off to understanding who you are as an individual, and unwilling to have the tough conversations that would make you all grow as a couple? It doesn’t add up (the math ain’t math-ing).

All I am saying is that if someone is telling you that they love you, and you are telling others that you love them — there should be obvious evidence of such.

Staring At the Sun

There is a popular song out that references staring at the sun. This line stuck out to me, because staring at the sun is something that we are taught is dangerous. Now, the singer did not inform the listener if they were wearing sunglasses or not…or at least I do not recall the singer mentioning protecting their eyes. In my mind, there would only be 2 reasons to stare at something that is harmful to you, and that would be because of love or awe.

I think most of us have done some crazy things in the name of love — Well, I know I have. Could this line of the song symbolize that an individual is willing to set aside protective measures and live quite recklessly when it comes to the person that they love? I also think about how the individual “staring at the sun” would not be able to look at and see anything that is going on around them, which also means that the individual would not be aware of any danger that they could be approaching.

When you are in awe of something, its almost as if you are standing in place, staring with your mouth open — just in amazement of whatever it is you are looking at. I know that we cannot look at God as he is too powerful and his magnificence would knock you out. But, being in awe of His creation is a tangible idea. In contrast to the dangers of focusing in on one person/thing out of crazy love, if we are staring at and admiring God’s creation, would that then have the ability to reduce the negative things that take place in our world — even if for a moment.

A Mother's Love

Another reflection post…

My older sister and I were raised by my father in the 1990’s when this was very uncommon. My father is one of my best friends and I am forever grateful that he fought to have custody of my sister and I, but that is a story for another time. Growing up, my mother was around, but not involved (if that makes sense). She was not a collaborative adult who would work with my dad to help raise her two oldest daughters. Instead, she was unreliable with visitation and thought material things and child support were sufficient contributions to her children’s lives. My older sister has told me in the past that my mother would tell us that she was coming to get us, and every time I would pack my bags and await her arrival. My sister on the other hand, grew accustomed to the pattern and stopped believing our mother. I have not shared this information in an attempt to bash my mother, but more so to shed light on my experience and link it to the message I want to share in this post.

I have always received the love of my father, but lacked the love of my mother. Therefore, I searched for that “mothering” that I never received. I do not think that I ever found what I was looking for, but rather accepted my life as it was. I am a little rough around the edges, but I think my father did an awesome job raising my sister and I. I do often wonder how would I and my life be different if I had experienced a mother’s love…is a mother’s love even needed in some cases? I do not feel as though I can fully answer the latter question due to my inexperience.

What is a mother’s love?

You've Got Potential

Hey guys,

In doing a lot of reflection on past relationships, I have been thinking about my part and my mistakes made in these relationships. The common theme I see with myself is that I give people credit for the potential that I see in them. I know a lot of people will say that it is a positive thing to give a person the benefit of the doubt, but this is not what is going on here…

In my moving forward with an individual based on the potential I see in them, I am possibly making a major misstep. The problem comes in when the individual that I see the potential in, does not see that for themselves. For example, if I look at my significant other and see that they have the potential to be a successful business owner, but they only see themselves as a supervisor at their current company, they will not go beyond what they see and believe for themselves. Full disclosure — I saw a lot of potential in the last person that I was in a relationship with, but he did not see any of those things in himself, so he never became what I saw in him or set goals to become that. We had many discussions about what I saw in him, and he was shocked because he didn’t think so highly of himself. I found out later in the relationship that he had no desire to be better or change, which was a problem for me as it related to behavioral concerns as well as others. The lesson that I learned was that I need to see an individual for who they are and how they present themselves to me, as well as what they believe about themselves. This is what they will become. I can express what I see in them, and maybe that will give them another perspective, or maybe they will not agree because they do not see those same things for themselves.

What I Want or What I Need?

These past few months I have had time away from a lot of stress and shenanigans, and have had time to reflect on the events that have occurred. I also have thought about the fact that I typically get what I want, through working hard for the things I want or just being blessed. So, trying to think deeper, I asked myself do I always get what I need?

I think that the answer to that is an obvious no, because if I got what I needed in every situation, it would make for a perfect life and perfection does not exist. In relationships, they have always ended because of something lacking, and normally the basic things that should be reciprocated in a relationship. The same is true in some work relationships as well. So, then I had to ask myself why do I not get what I need out of some situations and relationships? For me, it has been because I have settled instead of waiting for what I know God has for me, which means that I am accepting less than what I deserve. I think that I have recently learned one of th biggest lessons of my life, and I have to remember Proverbs 3:5, which tells me to trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not to my own understanding.

To me, this means that I have to remember the things that God has promised me and focus on that, no matter what I am experiencing (which can be a lot harder than it sounds like). In those moments where I am feeling as though things should be happening a lot faster, I have to remind myself by thinking of the negative results that were a consequence of my previous choices. I know that I will continue to get what I want, but now I will focus on taking steps that get me closer to getting what I need. This will cause me to grow and observe more, and not to make rash decisions.